I was reviewing some of my go-to coaching resources recently and came across a great article from the Harvard Business Review on talking too much.
The author refers to career coach Marty Nemko’s “Traffic Light Rule.” And if you’re a fundraiser, I highly recommend you take a few minutes to read and think this through. It could make ALL the difference in getting a second phone, Zoom, or in-person meeting.
While I’ve seen the “second” count vary, the premise is that for the first 20-30 seconds that you’re talking, you effectively have a green light from your conversation partner. They are listening. If you continue another 20-30 seconds, you’re in the yellow-light zone. Interest may be waning. If you go beyond that, you’re in the red-light zone. Full stop. You’ve likely lost your “listener.”
At that point, you’re no longer in a conversation, but a monologue. You’re now talking AT someone and not WITH someone.
And that is death to building rapport with a donor.
The Reasons We Talk Too Long
If this is your tendency, it is something you can correct. But it takes self-awareness and practice. The article goes on to identify some possible underlying reasons why you may be talking too long:
All possible reasons! And there are others: Maybe you have something else going on. It could be a feeling of nervousness, so you blunder forward, missing all the cues that your listener is no longer interested. I have a friend that has a tendency to just prattle on and on and on. But I love her, so I allow at least 30 minutes for every phone conversation—even if it’s just to confirm where we’re meeting up.
You don’t have that kind of grace in your relationships with donors, especially at the beginning. So how do you move past this tendency to talk too much so you’re in tune and having a real conversation?
At Veritus we think of this in terms of Permission Based Asking. It’s a fundamental way of engaging with a donor such that you are focusing on topics they care about and WANT to discuss. You are letting them drive, so to speak.
How to Incorporate Permission Based Asking
It starts right at the beginning with gaining agreement on what will be discussed. It means being prepared with good questions that relate to a donor’s interests and asking them in a natural way, not like an interrogation. And having transition questions ready to ask to be sure if they want to move on to a new topic or go deeper.
It also means being able to share some of yourself but keeping the donor and the donor’s interest as the focus of the conversation.
I encourage you to take some time to evaluate how you are doing on this. You can ask a trusted colleague or friend for their opinion on how you do. And you can pay close attention to how you’re feeling before and at the start of a conversation.
Discipline yourself to stop talking frequently so the other person has an opportunity to interject or redirect the conversation. Watch for cues in facial expressions and body language to ensure you’re having a true conversation.
Review the resources linked above, practice, and then request a conversation with a donor. And then let us know how it went for you!