Working From Your Energy: Bringing Your Best Self to Your Work With Donors

Jeff Schreifels

Being a fundraiser is not an easy job. It requires a lot of you. And because you care so deeply about your work, you put a lot of energy into serving your donors. Which brings up something we really need more dialogue about in our sector. When you’re so deeply committed to the work, how can you prevent yourself from feeling totally depleted at the end of each day? For today’s episode, I’m handing it over to Karen and Renita for a conversation about the steps you can take to protect your energy and bring your best self to your work with donors.

Recorded

Welcome to the Nothing But Major Gifts podcast from Veritus Group featuring Richard Perry and Jeff Schreifels. Twice a month, we bring you the latest and best thinking about major gift fundraising so you can develop authentic relationships with your major donors. Here are your hosts, Richard and Jeff.

Karen Kendrick 

Welcome to today’s podcast. I’m Karen Kendrick and my colleague, Renita Tyson and I are taking over the podcast today while Jeff and Richard have the day off. Being a fundraiser can be really exhausting, and require a lot of you. And during different seasons, it can be particularly difficult to bring your energy and your best self to this work. I know you all just went through one of those seasons. So today, Renita and I are going to talk a little bit about working from where your energy is. How do you bring your best self to work? How do you nurture yourself so that you feel less of that burnout? But first, Renita, since this is your first time on a podcast, why don’t you introduce yourself?

Renita Tyson 

Thank you, Karen. I’m glad to be here. Hello, everyone. I’m Renita Tyson. I am the Veritus Client Services Director. I am coming into my second year with Veritus. And prior to this role, I have had quite extensive experience in the corporate and non-profit world. I started my career with IBM. And then I moved into an organization, a division of Johnson & Johnson. And from there, I’ve worked with a variety of large and small businesses: San Francisco Chamber of Commerce, UCLA, and a number of non-profits. In one of my non-profit roles, I was actually a Veritus client. So I’ve had a chance to experience both sides of the table. And prior to coming to Veritus, I was Chief Development Officer with Boys & Girls Clubs of Santa Monica. But I’m very happy to be here with you this day.

Karen Kendrick 

Thank you, Renita. As y’all can see, Renita has got a lot of life experience, even though she looks so young. And so I’m excited about all that you’re going to share today Renita. Alright, so let’s get started. So as we were preparing for this episode, we talked about how there’s so much information out there about burnout. And I mean, just looking up online about what to do about burnout overwhelms me and gives me more burnout. So if you’re struggling with just being exhausted and not even knowing what to do next, you’re not alone. And so we wanted to bring maybe a little different angle today hoping to give you some inspiration, giving you some hope, and some tools.

Karen Kendrick 

And the tool we’re going to share with you today, I learned from this really interesting lunch with a local artist. So I was working with an executive coach; I really believe in continuing to develop ourselves. And looking at how do I… because my true authentic self is this creative, artistic person, how do I come at my work from my authentic self? What does that look like? So I sat down with Daniel and said… like, he’s a real artist, like beautiful big paintings… like, “What does it mean to be an artist? Like, what’s that like, and what do you do?” And, and he said, “Well, let me share a story with you.” And he said, “I was struggling. I had moved from really small paintings to really big paintings and I had been stuck for months, unable to complete a painting. And I kept doing it and painting it over and being really frustrated and stuck. And so I had this dream at night, where my favorite Irish musician came to me in full Irish regalia and said, ‘So Daniel, I understand, you’re having difficulty with this painting.’ And he said, ‘I have four bits of advice for you.'”

Karen Kendrick 

And so we’re going to be walking you through those four bits of advice that Daniel got in his dream. And it’s so fascinating to me how they help us step away and get some space and work with whatever it is, that’s really tough for us in the moment. So we’ll be unpacking that in a minute as we go along. So just to conclude Daniel’s story, he woke up from his dream, he applied those four questions, and incredible painting came through for him with ease. So I hope these can also help you find some ease and some flow where you might be feeling stuck today.

Renita Tyson 

So Karen, I really love the way you tease that story to help us get started, because that’s the way we’re going to approach the conversation today. So let’s start with the first piece on admitting that this is hard, and how we need to shift our mindset so we can take action.

Karen Kendrick 

Yeah, I love that. Like the first piece was admit it’s hard. And like, wow, that’s interesting. Like, why is that important? And I think so many times, it’s like, we first got to get real and honest with what we’re dealing with, right? If we just keep pushing and trying and going and being frustrated and not getting anywhere, we’re still in that push and drive energy. And we’re not really in an opening, listening, possibility energy. So being able to just stop and go, “Wow, this is really hard and I don’t know what to do. And I’m feeling stuck and overwhelmed.”

Karen Kendrick 

And then thinking about no one’s coming to fix it for you. That’s been a powerful lesson for me in my work, and in my life is to see that part to me that sort of waits for a leader or a boss or someone to take care of things that are causing stress. Maybe I’ve mentioned in the past that I was really working hard and a lot of hours and thinking a leader would then like fix it. Which is very, not grown up. Right? So learning to say, “Okay, this is really hard. It’s not working. I need to take some actions. How would I come to my leader to say, ‘This is what’s occurring. This is how my time is being used. This is what I recommend would be more effective for my well-being and also me being more effective with donors. Let’s talk about what you think.'” It’s a really different way to approach it.

Karen Kendrick 

So one story I’ll share, Renita. I had been hitting a wall with technological difficulties. You know, we work in our home offices, so you understand. Renita had a hurricane of technical difficulties for a while. It was to a point that I was sitting on the floor of this office crying because I was so frustrated! I couldn’t get work done. And I couldn’t get anywhere because I kept hitting obstacles. And I was like, “Karen, okay, this is really hard. This is not working. What do you need to do?” So you take control. So I called up my computer people, I set up… like within very little time, a few days, they had fixed all my issues. They came to my home. We got things resolved. I learned things that made me better at what I do. But I had to first say it’s hard and I had to decide to take responsibility.

Renita Tyson 

I get it. I get it. I felt that pain, because as you know, I lived it. It’s not fun. I knew it was hard. I didn’t admit it. So I was just stuck. And I think that you know when you’re stuck like that, it just creates a burden that you’re just dragging around, dragging around. You feel like you should be able to fix it. You can’t fix it. You know, you tell yourself in some cases that you’re a failure. It takes your energy. It’s draining, it’s draining. And it’s not helpful at all. And, you know, the other aspect is a lot of the way we respond to things is what we’ve learned. You know, we’ve been doing things a certain way, so many times. And, you know, I thought about one aspect of that just this morning, and I said, I’ve got to mention this. Part of the learned behavior is your self-talk. And if you don’t really control that, and think about what you’re saying to yourself about the situation… would you say the same things you’re saying to yourself to a very dear friend? Most chances, no. So you’ve got to monitor that. And you’ve got to correct that and be kind to yourself.

Karen Kendrick 

You know, Renita, you’re talking about the next question, which I love, which is, stop bullying it. So I love that language because I would never put up with a bully; I would never be a bully to others. But we’re doing it to ourselves, right? We’re bullying ourselves. And that’s what you’re breaking down for us?

Renita Tyson 

Yes, definitely. And you don’t see it that way because again, this is how you’ve been doing things. But you are being a bully to yourself. And sometimes you can be a bully to others as well. So you have to have not just compassion for yourself, but you have to have compassion for the other people around you. And, you know, I know you had talked about a situation where you were checked about something that you weren’t in touch with, but someone with a gentle question was able to give you something to think about.

Renita Tyson 

Yes.

Karen Kendrick 

Yes. I love it. Yeah. To have people surrounding you that can ask you, you know, “Why are you doing it that way? What are you getting from that?” Because, like Renita was saying, we get in patterns, right? So maybe I have a pattern where I feel like I need to appear stressed and overworked for others to show that I have value. Wow, that’s a pattern that’s going to make me always overwhelmed and stressed. You know, what if I think I have to do everything perfectly? What if I believe I don’t deserve to have peace and balance in my life? What if I feel like I need to… I got a lot of ego going; I got to compete. And for me to be successful or good, I got to be better than everybody. And so all my energy is going to that.

Karen Kendrick 

And so there’s ways in which we bully ourselves; we have patterns. You know, so really taking an opportunity to say, “Okay, what’s my part in this?” So many times, it’s easy to be like, “Gosh, this job stinks. And this boss is horrible, and yada, yada, yada.” That can all be true. We’re gonna talk about that in a minute. And every relationship, no matter what it is, there’s always two people playing. And so what is your part in playing that dance that is creating some of the dynamics you’re experiencing?

Renita Tyson 

Exactly. And you know, something else that you hold on to is sometimes it’s safer to just be in this stuck place because you’re afraid of the unknown. You’re afraid of what change might be; you’re afraid of change itself. And what you’re doing currently isn’t working for you, but you’re too afraid to pivot to something that will. That’s not going to serve you.

Karen Kendrick 

You know, that reminds me… I wish I could quote it properly right now. I don’t have it straight at all. But I guess Marianne Williamson, or someone, years ago, I read a quote, “We’re not fearful about how we’re not perfect or together; we’re much more fearful about how magnificent we can be.” So I think, I’m sort of comfortable being stuck. And that’s what I’m used to. And I’m less scared of that than like, what if I had to really step up and be big and powerful and beautiful and amazing? That’s scary, right? To really step out and be vulnerable, and try those things and do those things. So be willing to take a look and say, “Wow, how am I limiting myself? How are my beliefs; and what is that internal speak?” I’m noticing my speak lately is kind of like, “You’ve got this girl. You’re okay.” And I’m like, oh, that’s getting better!! But boy, it’s been.. yes, the internal speak is wicked. Wicked!

Renita Tyson 

Yeah, I get it. You also have to ask yourself, do you have safe people in your life that you can trust? That you can allow to speak truth into your life and help you see things that maybe you’re blinded by? That can be so much help to you and really help you discover things that you haven’t been aware of. So it’s very important to have people in your world that will help you see the things that you don’t see, won’t see, can’t see, and help you at least understand that there are different ways of doing things. There’s another way of looking at things.

Karen Kendrick 

You know, it reminds me, Renita, and I want to hear what you did in your career, because you’ve been in all kinds of places. I remember… it’s funny, these things that stick with us. Back in the 90s, I did some corporate training and these two women… they were like in the peanut butter business. And after meetings, they would meet and check-in with each other and be like, “Okay, what just went down: was that discriminatory? Was that this? Was that that? Was that just normal stuff? Was I overreacting? Like they would check each other and make sure that they weren’t being over-reactive; that they were like, “Did I bring my best self? What do I need to learn?” I had so much respect for them in a world where there were very few other women at that level, and how they didn’t just go in there and not have that honest feedback. That was what made them I think, so successful. So how did you find some people that you could have those conversations with in your career, Renita? How did you do that?

Karen Kendrick 

Wow.

Renita Tyson 

I will not forget that. Because it was like a slap in the face. That was so sobering. I had carried that stress. I thought I was marching through and, you know, playing it off. And every last one of them said I looked like a different person when that stress was no longer attached to me. So I don’t want it to take that kind of, you know, powerful punch in order for me to realize that, “Gee, something’s not working.” You need to leave before it gets to the point where you’re wearing it. So yeah, I’ve carried that lesson throughout my career since then.

Renita Tyson 

You know, overtime, you have conversations with people, you start to vibe. You realize, “Hey, we kind of see things alike.” And you learn you can trust it; you learn to trust over time. You know, it’s not something that’s instant. And the more people share, the more you share, the more it becomes a safe place, the easier it is. Now, I’m not gonna say I was always proactive about it. I remember one situation where I had left a very, very stressful position. And I had just taken a new one. And I had some time off between just so I could breathe. And I had dinner with about 10 of my girlfriends. And when I walked into the dinner, every last one of them said, “Oh, my God. You look like a different person.”

Karen Kendrick 

Wow. That’s a beautiful story. So we’ve talked about admit it is hard; we’ve talked about stop bullying it. What’s the next question, Renita, that came in Daniel’s dream?

Renita Tyson 

How to move your mindset around your energy into a place where you have the control to make the change. And so here you’re giving yourself the space to ask, whatever it is, what it wants to become. You’re releasing your grasp on it, and you’re opening yourself up to the possibilities. What’s possible? And this is where things can really transform.

Karen Kendrick 

I love it. So typically, we start there, right? Like, “Okay, I gotta think of a new strategy.” And when we’re stressed, and we’re overwhelmed, or whatnot, we’re admitting it’s hard, we’re stuck. We’re not gonna be creative; nothing’s gonna be flowing through us. We’re gonna be like, “Ah!” Like, our mind is going to be going a million directions. And so I love how first, identify the emotions I’m dealing with. Identify how I’m bullying myself, and make some changes. And then asking what it wants to become. Which to me, that is such a different question than what should I do about it. Because I’m sort of, in the sense, placing it outside myself, and asking it, which sounds kind of crazy. But it shifts us with some space to be more creative and have more flow. I remember, when I got that message from Daniel, on our team internally, we were like in a lot of transition and working really hard and feeling stressed and overwhelmed. And I just, I shared with Rebecca on our team, what I just learned from Daniel, and we had a whole conversation about it within like an hour, both of us felt like we shifted out of a really stuck place. Like it was so immediate, and new ideas were coming and new strategies. So the piece around giving some space, what does it want to become, and allowing for some creativity and possibility to flow through and thinking about who else might contribute and have ideas and be involved? Who else do I need to call that could help me with some answers where I’ve been stuck? Where it’s not like… we get so, “I have to do it all. I have to figure out it all; I’m not going to be doing this well. I don’t know what I’m doing.” We get all stuck. So that really opens us up to much more creative ideas and possibility from a place that’s kind of playful, like, and fun versus burdensome.

Renita Tyson 

And you can be blocked from doing that if you carry the shame that you haven’t figured it out. So you know, shame becomes your present, and then you’re stuck. And so you got to, you know, quickly move through that because yeah, if you really do want to move into a different realm, you’ve got to give yourself the space to do it. And you know, like, say, “I can get out of my stupid.” So, you know, you really can. You don’t have to stay there. You can get out. You’re free to get out. But you have to want to.

Karen Kendrick 

You know, I don’t know what it is that we think we’re supposed to do it all ourselves. Is that our individualized culture? I don’t know what it is. But it’s… I remember watching some really successful leaders and seeing how when they didn’t know how to do something, they went and found the best person that knew how to do it, and sat at their feet with humility, to learn and then be able to apply it. And I’m like, “Oh, being a leader does not mean you know everything. It means you know how to find the answers.

Karen Kendrick 

So, I love that you brought up shame because that shame is debilitating. And so right now, we want to tell you, you don’t have to have all the answers, or know everything or know how to do everything. And please let that shame go and let yourself get the help and support you need.

Renita Tyson 

Plus operating with that level of humility isn’t always someone’s you know, go-to. So you really have to give yourself the grace to admit it’s not working; you’re feeling it’s not working, you’re seeing it’s not working, you know it’s not working. So you’ve got to find something that works. And if you don’t have that answer, there are people who can help guide you through it. So give yourself that chance to tap in to somebody else’s wisdom. You don’t have to learn all the lessons yourself.

Karen Kendrick 

I know. I love that you’re speaking of that frustration. And I love that. I think one thing I wanted to mention today is learning to listen to and interact with anger. I remember, I didn’t know how to be angry till I was like 31. I grew up in a family where everybody was supposed to be… my mom had a lot of anger in her family, so our family was all about being nice. And everybody getting along and sweetness. Which was, you know, her trying to love me. But I had no idea how to be in tune with my anger. And anger is about boundaries. So being able to dance with anger and know that okay, “This is coming up; what is a boundary that I maybe need to be setting? What is happening here? Frustration: what is not working?” Emotions are simply information and energy for change. So if you are not comfortable with anger, and you’re feeling really overwhelmed and burned out, it’s going to be hard for you to learn to set boundaries. And that anger is what helps you say “I deserve something different.” Right? So it’s not there to come blast your boss and yell at your boss, but it’s information. “Okay, I’m feeling this anger, I’m feeling this frustration. What is the message? And how can I use some of that energy to create change to make a better life for myself?” Transformational for me.

Renita Tyson 

Amen. So you do get to choose the energy that you bring into this. And, you know, you get to decide if you’re filling your cup, or you’re letting it go empty. And you know, that impacts what you bring into the relationships. And I think the last part of this exercise is about being kind to yourself. So you can be kind to whatever is going on. I need to say that to myself over and over again. Be kind to yourself.

Karen Kendrick 

Mmm-hmm. So what does that mean to you, Renita? And when to say that to yourself, like what shifts or happens?

Renita Tyson 

You know, I think the frustration shifts; I have to let it go. It’s like, you know, and I am now monitoring my self-talk. Because my default self-talk may not be, “Girl you go and all.” It may not be the positive; it may be the beatdown. If I’m feeling that, I now will check myself and say, “You just said this to yourself. You know, that’s not kind. You know, how can you reframe that? What do you really want to experience? It’s not a beatdown feeling. That’s not what you really want to walk around with.” So I kind of shifted, but I have to get in tune with it. Sometimes I’m quick about it. Sometimes it takes me a little bit longer, but I’m training myself to really catch that early on, so I can redirect it.

Karen Kendrick 

I love that. It’s so ingrained in us. Like my messages would be things like, “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t have what you need to make this happen. You’re not staying on top of things. People are gonna think you’re not doing your job well.” You know, all of those and I think we believe in some weird way that they’re going to keep us motivated to do a good job. Like we need them riding our back and beating us to keep us… no, I think we’re all going to do a really good job whether someone’s beating us and scaring us or not. So yes, that’s really helpful and such an important part of being kind to ourselves.

Renita Tyson 

Definitely.

Karen Kendrick 

And you know, Renita brought this up earlier with her story about wearing distress. So if you’re today listening to this, and you are in a really toxic environment, you know, it’s like, you’re set up to fail with the expectations, the metrics, the systems don’t support you, your boss is someone you can’t trust, isn’t there for your best interest and isn’t trying to help move things out of your way, and you’re just beat down and exhausted. You know, what we’re talking about today can be helpful to you in the journey, but find someone you can trust to really process that and figure out, are there things that you do have some influence or control over? Have you tried those? Or is this a place you need to leave? So we just want to encourage you and say, you don’t have to remain in environments that don’t support your best self. So we care about you, we want you to be kind yourself.

Renita Tyson 

And you know, and part of that is really knowing and respecting your own boundaries. You know, are you clear? Do you know what you’re unwilling to accept?

Karen Kendrick 

Yeah, yeah.

Renita Tyson 

You gotta be clear. And sometimes you get driven there, and sometimes you kind of know, so. But, you know, it doesn’t have to be a tragic situation before you finally get a grip. But be kind to yourself and know what your boundaries are, and respect your own boundaries. Don’t let somebody cross them.

Karen Kendrick 

Thank you, thank you. One thing I love, I know one of the ways I can beat myself up is to be like, “I don’t have enough balance. And like at some destination, I’m going to get to where all of a sudden, I’m like, ‘Oooh, ahh.’ And I feel good and wonderful, and everything is flowing, and everything is in the right balance.” And so I love the concept that balance is a journey, not a destination.

Renita Tyson 

Say that again!

Karen Kendrick 

Balance is a journey, not a destination. So in this article I was reading, it was like, instead of imagining, you know, the balancing scales, like work and play, or you know, those, think about how you have all these parts of your life. You have your family, you have your work, you have your home responsibilities, you have extracurricular activities that bring you joy, exercise, and dance or whatever, you have friends/community. And think about how it’s a pendulum sort of swinging and spending time in each area in a way that works for you. Like, for me, I need lots of movement: hiking, dancing, kayaking, biking. Like, in the winter, I have to do things because I get a little stir crazy. So know your body; know your system. And like, where’s that pendulum stuck in one area where you’re not swinging and having enough of the other areas. And so it’s more like finding the movement and realizing, “Oh, okay, I’ve been stuck over here a while. I really need to swing over here and have some community or have some exercise or do something creative.” And refill that part of our cups. And to me, that’s an act of kindness to yourself. And in doing so that then… what’s so cool is, think about our cups can get bigger, right? Our capacity for holding space for things can get bigger, but we have to keep growing them and building them and filling them up in all areas. So yes, balance is a journey, not a destination.

Renita Tyson 

It is, it is! And staying in touch with the different aspects of your balance is also something to continue to work on. I’m saying this for myself. I can get stuck in one mode and lose track. And so just staying in touch is important.

Renita Tyson 

And so now, we want to take a moment to speak to the leaders. And in particular how they can support their teams in a meaningful way. So question, if you’re a leader, and you see one of your people burning out, what can you do? Understand not everybody wants to be helped. But you can create an environment that’s not toxic, and that is supportive of your people’s health and well-being, but you can’t force people to take control of their energy.

Renita Tyson 

The other thing that hit me several times in my career is you have to be aware of what you’re saying. Your words have power. And whether you know it or not, people hold on to what you say. And I can’t tell you, numerous times that I’ve had people come to me later and tell me that, “You know, I’ll never forget when you said such and such.” And these are things that I’ve long since forgotten were even said, but it stuck with people. So, don’t speak lightly. Make sure that you’re in control of the things you’re saying, because you never know how it’s going to stay with somebody, either for the positive, or for the negatives. So choose your words carefully so that the things that they remember are kindness.

Karen Kendrick 

I love that. Yeah, and like metrics are so much. Like they can really impact people in ways you don’t think about it. Like let’s say, you’re just like, “People need to meet with donors more.” You’re thinking in your head, “That would be really nice.” So you create a metric. And all of a sudden, people feel pressure to not be relational. And, you know, it’s like, not at all what you intended. But really being aware that the things you set up, you need to be really clear on the ramifications. And if that’s what you’re wanting to have occur. Or is there a different… how do you really motivate people to do… to step into the outcomes you really are wanting? Sometimes we don’t think that through and have conversations with our people about what they think that means, right? And how that impacts them.

Karen Kendrick 

I love “New Amsterdam.” It is a show on Netflix. He’d always go around and ask people, you know, “What can I do to help?” And I think that’s our main role as a leader. And unpacking what is getting in people’s way? What are the obstacles for their success? And moving those. And that’s really your job, right? Listening, figuring out what’s in the way, doing what you can to move them and if you can’t move them, because you don’t have control over, letting people know that you can’t yet but you’re working on it. I mean, if I’m really frustrated because this system is counterproductive to my success, and my boss says, “I know that’s not working for you. And I know that’s not great. This is what I do have control over and I’m chipping away at it, but it might be some years.” I’m good. I mean, that’s the best we can do. Right? So even if you don’t think… I think sometimes we don’t ask the question because we don’t think we can fix everything. And it’s not about fixing everything. It’s about listening and fixing what we can, and communicating about what we can’t.

Renita Tyson 

And helping people be heard. You know, sometimes it’s not that they want the fix, it’s that they want to be heard. They may know just as you know that there’s not a fix coming around the corner. But they want to be heard. They want you to acknowledge this is frustrating. This is hard. Instead of ignoring it and just powering through and acting as though it’s not. It is! And people want to be heard. And they should be heard. And you can you can offer that to your team if you’re a leader.

Karen Kendrick 

That’s wonderful. So the questions, just as a reminder, as we’re wrapping up, that you can jot down to ask yourself about whatever it is making you crazy today are: admit it’s hard; stop bullying it, ask it what it wants to become; and be kind to yourself. And in turn, you’ll be kind to it and all the things around it. Right? So those are the four questions that we hope can help you as you’re processing some things and struggling with some things.

Karen Kendrick 

So thank you for joining us today for this episode. Renita, you were awesome. I hope that you all got some valuable takeaways that will help you take control and work from your energy with flow and possibility and excitement. And if you’d like to join a community of fundraisers who are dedicated to supporting each other, I hope you’ll join our free online community. You can use the link in the show notes to create a profile and get started. So take care and we’ll see you next time.

Recorded

Thank you for joining us for the Nothing But Major Gifts podcast from Veritus Group. Richard and Jeff also write an ongoing blog that you can subscribe to for free at veritusgroup.net. Please join us again next time.