One self-development practice that I enjoy is to head to my bookshelf and allow my intuition to choose what book and page I read.

Recently, I selected Change Your Questions Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Life by Marilee Adams, and I opened to the chapter on whether you are a Judger or a Learner. Oh my. It was a message that I needed to hear and gave my ego a good jolt that wasn’t just from my strong cup of coffee!

According to Adams, being hijacked by your Judger is: “…when something happens that triggers you, pushes your buttons. You’re going along with all the best intentions, and you feel yourself tensing up, going judger, and pretty soon you’re not listening. You’re getting increasingly defensive, or you just want to run out of the room screaming.” Yes, this is normal human behavior, but as you can imagine, it gets in our way of building relationships, getting things done, and continuing to learn and grow.

We have all been there. Your boss, colleague, or donor shares some feedback on something you did or didn’t do that triggers you. Maybe you feel it questions whether you are doing a good job or how well you handled a situation. When this happens, you are (mentally) gone. You are no longer open, listening, curious, or present. You are on the defense and ready to protect yourself at all costs.

This is what happens when you go down the path of the Judger. But you might be thinking – what if they actually are wrong?! Shouldn’t you defend yourself and fight for truth?

Well, think about it this way: Adams says, “Either you have the Judger or the Judger has you.” So, thinking back to that moment, are you going to be able to share your point of view in a way they can actually hear? Or are you going to in return trigger their Judger, and then both of you are off to races in a win/lose conversation.

“With a Judger mindset, the costs can be tremendous. The future can be only a recycled version of the past. And with the Learner program the power is on. The juice is flowing. You can actually make a new future for yourself.”

So, how do you shift to a Learner mindset? Let’s frame this with an example. Say your boss made a comment that sounds like she may think you are not doing a great job. If you respond as a Judger, the opportunity to really find out what they meant is lost, and you may lose an opportunity to learn or identify an opportunity for growth. You may have also just shut down your relationship to your boss.

Whereas if you check yourself and respond from the Learner perspective, you open up the possibility to explore their thinking, the reality, and create connection and respect. (And if your boss was off base, they will be much more open to an explanation given from a curious, grounded, and open space than from someone who is defensive and tight!)

Here are 3 steps you can take to work your Learner muscle:

1. Notice…

First, pay attention to your physiology and thoughts and identify what typically happens when you have been triggered. You might notice a tightening of your shoulders, shallow breathing, racing and defensive thoughts, and anger or fear.

2. Pause….

You want to bring yourself back from the fighting or running instincts, which are a normal but not always helpful response. Take a few deep breaths, count to ten, wiggle your toes to get back in your body, and/or breath up and then down to the earth thinking of something that makes you smile to calm the hormones surging through your body.

3. Choose…

Choosing to shift your mindset from whose “fault” it is to questions like the ones below can help to shift you into a Learner space that allows for more connection and resolution.

• Is this what I want to be feeling?
• Is this what I want to be doing?
• Will it get me what I want?
• Where would I rather be?
• How can I get there?
• Is this working?
• What are the facts?
• How else can I think about this?
• What assumptions am I making
• What is the other person thinking, feeling, and wanting?
• What humor can I find in this situation?
• What’s my choice or decision right now?
• What is the best plan for moving forward?

Becoming a Learner starts with first being able to identify and observe when you are in your judging space (and what puts you there), so that you can take a pause and ask yourself some of the above questions.

I hope you will give the above steps a try or check out some of the other strategies that Adams calls out in her book.

And, if nothing else, remember, “When you change your questions, your questions can change your life.”

Karen