Sometimes it’s hard to be kind and generous when others are picking away at you. This is true in any relationship, both personal and professional. That’s why when Jeff sent me the link to an article on kindness and generosity that was published in The Atlantic several years ago it turned my attention to how we all operate in the major gift arena.
Just last week a colleague of mine and I were involved in a conversation where I learned that the MGO in that organization was being yelled at and abused by his boss.
Then I had an email from another MGO whose boss refuses to let her add current donors to her caseload but, instead, insists that she cold-call in the community. He verbally abuses her when she protests this obviously stupid idea.
Then there is the finance guy who regularly cooks the numbers of the MGOs in the organization to “prove” that they are failing when, in fact, their revenue from the same donors is up 27% from last year.
And the program leader in another organization who is totally absent from the conversation on packaging program to create donor offers. He regularly disses the process, wonders out loud why it’s important, and routinely blocks his subordinates from cooperating.
Jeff and I hear dozens of stories every month just like this, where people are fighting, arguing and (in some cases) abusing each other. You have to wonder how anything gets done.
In some situations, we advise the MGO just to leave and find another job – because there is no way the people around them will actually change, and the environment will continue to be hostile to major gifts.
But here is another approach – put into practice kindness and generosity even when those who you are dealing with aren’t doing the same. It really works. I know, from personal experience.
About a year ago my wife and I went through a season where we were arguing and pecking at each other way too frequently. And if you were to see the topics we tangled on, you would laugh and ask us if there was something wrong with our heads. Yep, most of the conflict was about style and approach rather than substance. And in many cases we, individually, were under some external pressure on unrelated topics.
Then someone told us to just practice kindness in our relationship – to hold our tongues and be kind. We did it. And things changed dramatically.
Here’s my point: MGOs like you face tremendous challenges and pressures just doing your job. It’s not easy to manage 150 qualified donors. And you often face rejection and “trouble” just in the normal course of the day.
But think what others around you are facing. Look at the examples I shared at the top of this blog, and imagine the driver behind the behavior:

• The boss yelling at his MGO – Perhaps this boss is plagued by insecurity and failure. Maybe his boss has written him up for lack of performance, and all he can do is take out his fear and anxiety by yelling at the MGO to “get more money because I am failing.”
• The boss who won’t let the MGO talk to current donors – Maybe this person has an influential donor or board member who has counseled him that cold-calling is the way to go – that it has always worked in his business, and that the MGOs in the organization should not waste their time with current donors who are already in the organization. Maybe there is a lot of fear here that is unseen.
• The finance guy who is cooking the books – Perhaps he strongly believes that the finances and managers in the organization are out of control – that he fears being looked at as one of the reasons the revenue is not coming in, because he did not budget properly. He has made the revenue tracking thing more about his position and standing in the organization.
• The program leader who is totally absent from the donor offer conversation – Maybe this manager just does not know what to do and doesn’t want his subordinates to know it. I have seen this happen so many times – where a manager or leader opposes an idea because of fear of showing their own ignorance about it.

Don’t you think each of these people could use a little kindness? It could change things. (And it might not.)
Here’s the thing: you know as well as I do that the reasons for our bad behavior are often hidden, not only from ourselves but from others as well. And getting into a fight isn’t going to solve it.
What can you do to practice kindness in the coming days and weeks with your donors, your co-workers and your boss? Think about it. And watch some good things happen.
Richard