Where Are Your Boundaries with Donors?

If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know we talk a lot about building meaningful relationships with donors. Why? Because that’s the core of your role as a major or mid-level fundraiser. Everything starts there.

A solid, trust-based relationship with a donor is what leads to transformational giving. It’s not about chasing money — it’s about connection. It’s about aligning the donor’s passions with your organization’s mission in a way that changes the world. When that alignment happens, generosity flows.

But here’s where it gets tricky: How close is too close?

This is one of the more nuanced dynamics in major gifts work — and one of the most dangerous when misunderstood. As a fundraiser, you walk a fine line. You want your donors to trust you. You want to be a resource, an advisor, and yes, sometimes even a friend. But never forget: you represent the mission of your organization, not yourself. And there are boundaries you absolutely cannot cross.

I’ve seen too many situations where the relationship becomes personal in a way that compromises both the fundraiser and the organization. It can look innocent at first. A few extra lunches. A friendly invitation to a social event. But the deeper you go into a personal dynamic outside the mission, the blurrier the lines get — until suddenly, you’re no longer stewarding a donor relationship. You’re just part of their social circle.

That’s not ethical. And it’s not sustainable.

Let me be crystal clear: if you leave your role and the donor follows you because of you, not the mission — that’s a problem. A healthy donor relationship is grounded in their connection to the cause, not in their attachment to a particular staff member. Any organization or MGO that encourages personal allegiance like that is crossing a serious ethical line.

Let me give you a few concrete examples:

1. When a donor invites you to something purely personal — say no. 
 This happens more than you’d think. A donor offers their beach house for your personal vacation, invites you to their child’s wedding, or wants to bring you into their private social circle. Unless the event is tied directly to the mission or is part of an intentional cultivation or stewardship strategy, it’s inappropriate. You’re not a personal friend or confidant — you’re a representative of a cause they care about.

Now, if a donor offers their beach house for a board retreat or donor event — that’s a different story. But using that space for your own benefit? That’s not only unethical — it erodes trust.

2. When a donor starts requesting frequent social time — set boundaries. 
 We’ve worked with MGOs whose donors want to meet weekly for lunch or dinner. Often, this stems from loneliness — especially with older donors. And yes, it feels like you’re “doing the right thing” by saying yes. But if those meetings are no longer tied to the mission or their giving, it’s a red flag.

You might be afraid to lose the gift. But the long-term damage to your integrity — and to the organization — is not worth it. You are not their companion. You’re their guide to impact. Keep that role clear.

Here’s the truth: some donors will challenge these boundaries. They may give because they’re friends with the CEO or a board member, not because they’re passionate about the mission. But in our framework, those aren’t truly major donors — they’re doing transactional giving.

As a frontline fundraiser, your job is to connect the donor’s heart to the organization’s purpose. That’s it.

You’re there to help them realize their desire to change the world — through the work your non-profit is doing. Anything outside that shared purpose? That’s where the line gets drawn.

And listen — this is not easy. There’s no script for this. But as a professional, it’s your responsibility to know the difference. To honor the donor, the mission, and your own ethical role in stewarding the relationship.

Let’s keep having this conversation. I know you’ve experienced this. Share your stories and your boundaries in our Community Hub. We all learn from one another.

And above all — stay grounded in the mission. That’s where the real relationship lives.

Jeff