Fixing Wrong Thinking in Major Gifts: How to Build a Relationship‑Centered Approach

The other day, a friend told me about his annual physical. He thought he was doing fine—eating fairly well, staying active, managing work. But the doctor had a different perspective. She laid out several areas where his habits weren’t sustainable and explained how small changes could make a big difference over time.

It struck me that the same thing happens in major gifts fundraising. On the surface, things may look fine—donations are coming in, campaigns are being run, budgets are being met. But underneath, there are unhealthy practices that weaken donor relationships and cause long‑term damage.

One of the biggest problems I see is wrong thinking about major gifts. That wrong thinking shows up in several ways:

1. Lack of understanding about the problem and the opportunity
   Most donors who give regularly are actually giving 40–60% less year over year because they aren’t told their giving made a difference, or they’re treated poorly by the non-profit. This leads to massive revenue losses. But because new donors often mask the problem, leaders don’t recognize the opportunity they’re missing. Without understanding this, organizations don’t fully support their MGOs or fundraising staff, and they walk away from hundreds of thousands (sometimes millions) of dollars in revenue.
2. The focus is on revenue, not relationship
   This one breaks my heart. Too many non-profits care more about the money than the people giving it. That mindset oozes out—it creates a stench donors can smell a mile away. Nobody wants to feel used, yet that’s exactly how donors feel when their relationship with the organization is treated as transactional instead of relational.
3. Insiders think they own the organization
   I’ve seen this over and over. Leaders and board members act like they own the non-profit, when in reality it exists because of donors. A non‑profit is simply a legal structure that represents the combined interests of those who fund it. Without donors—individual or institutional—there is no organization. Yet too often, the voices of insiders outweigh the voices of the people who make the mission possible.
4. Leaders ignore major donors
   Think about the corporate world: when a company has a major investor, the CEO knows exactly who that investor is and makes sure to nurture the relationship. Yet in non-profits, I see many CEOs and Executive Directors who don’t view major gifts as part of their leadership responsibility. It’s baffling and harmful. Leadership should be setting the tone for valuing major donors.
5. No culture of philanthropy
   Ultimately, this is about culture. In healthy organizations, donors are placed at the center of the work, seen as partners in advancing the mission. When leaders think rightly about major gifts, they create an environment where caring for donors is part of everyday practice. That’s what it means to develop a true culture of philanthropy.

When organizations start thinking right about major gifts, here’s what happens:

• They clearly understand the problem of donor value attrition and take concrete steps to care for donors.
• They focus on serving the donor’s passions and interests, knowing that giving is the fruit of a good relationship, not the goal.
• They recognize that donor voices matter in shaping the organization’s direction.
• Leaders step up and personally love and care for their major donors.
• They intentionally build a culture where philanthropy is central to everything they do.

So here’s my challenge: Take an honest inventory of your organization right now. Where might there be wrong thinking about major gifts? And what steps can you take to shift toward a healthier, relationship‑centered approach?