Writing Their Story: Making Assumptions Hurts Donor Relationships (Part 2)

In Part One of this series, my colleague Lauren shared how making assumptions can derail your efforts to relationally qualify donors. (If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend it!)

But assumptions don’t just cause problems during qualification. I’ve found that even after donors are qualified, many gift officers still fall into the trap of presuming what donors want or how they feel instead of simply asking them. Honestly, this is one of the most common mistakes I see fundraisers make. At Veritus, we like to call this "writing the story for your donor."

Let me give you a few real-world examples.

• You have a donor who’s only ever given to the annual gala. Your colleagues call them a “gala-only donor,” so you build your entire strategy around that assumption. Except no one has ever actually asked the donor if they’re interested in other giving opportunities. You’re basing your plan on behavior, not a conversation.

• Or maybe you’re overwhelmed with touchpoints and think, “I can’t send all this in a short period—it’ll annoy them.” Again, you’re assuming the donor’s feelings without asking. Instead, what if you said: “I want to make sure what I’m sending is relevant to you. I've been sharing a lot about [TOPIC]—is that still helpful, or would you prefer something else?”

• Here’s another: A donor was eager to donate property but suddenly hesitates. They were ready to go for a while, then stopped before pulling the trigger. You spend days analyzing why—crafting emails, talking with colleagues—without asking the donor directly what changed. 

This tendency to assume is human nature. We’re constantly thinking about donors, interpreting their actions (or inactions), and filling in gaps. But in doing so, we often create stories that aren’t true—and act on those false narratives.

Unfortunately, much of fundraising culture reinforces this. In Direct Response, because we’re communicating with thousands of donors, we do need to analyze donor behavior and make presumptions on strategy. As a result, many fundraisers and gift officers bring that practice with them into relational fundraising, regardless of their role.

Here’s the key difference: You have direct access to your donors. You can have real conversations and ask real questions. You don’t have to guess. At Veritus, we teach something called permission-based asking—a simple way to invite donors into conversation, honor their preferences, and build trust. This approach centers the donor’s interests and helps you avoid assuming what they want or how they feel.

I recently worked with a pair of MGOs who faced the “gala-only donor” assumption. But instead of accepting that label, they used permission-based asking to talk to their donors. Turns out, many of those donors did care deeply about the organization’s mission and were open to receiving proposals for projects beyond the gala.

Here’s the takeaway: Donors are people first. They want to be seen, heard, and understood. You may worry that you’re going to annoy them by asking more questions, but most people like to talk about themselves, especially if it means their giving experience becomes more meaningful and aligned with their passions.

So next time you catch yourself stating a “fact” about a donor, pause and ask: “Do I know this because the donor told me? Or am I writing the story for them?” If it’s the latter, make a plan to ask the question.

Theresa