Don’t Ask Your Donors ‘How Are You?’

How many times has someone asked “How are you?” in greeting? How often was there any real interest in your answer?

Now, I realize that there may be some caveats to that, especially for southerners who find that any other start is considered rude.

But that aside, think about what you’re trying to accomplish with that opening question. If it’s just to segue into the real reason to talk, what about choosing words that may help you go deeper? Or at least further than the quick, “fine” that is often the response.

I have a friend who often starts with “How is it going with you?” if I haven’t seen her in a while. It’s just different enough that I find I am more open or at least respond with a sentence rather than “OK.”

Alternatives to “How Are You”

CNBC had an interesting post on this topic, tied to Harvard research on small talk. The author offered seven ideas, but I want to focus on the first one: ACT. It takes some thought in advance when you’re about to talk with a donor, but that extra effort will have its reward in a good conversation.

When was the last time you were in a meeting that didn’t start with small talk? It’s a natural way for people to connect. Start with a question that will build up to a conversation that meets the A.C.T. criteria (emphasis mine):

• A - There’s authenticity
• C - There’s a connection
• T - There’s a topic that will give them a taste of who you are
  

Some of those questions might be:

• “What’s your current state of mind?”
• “What are you looking forward to this week?”

Maybe start with: “Hey, it’s been a while. I hope we can catch up.” Or, “I am so glad we have this time to talk today. How are things going with [XYZ previously discussed].” Maybe, “Great to see you. After we catch up, I want to get your take on [XZY topic you share an interest in or is the reason you’re meeting]. Or on the phone, “John, thanks for taking my call. I hope we can catch up on XYZ!”

There is another CNBC post with eight questions to ask instead (if you click through, you’ll see the reasons the author suggests these):

• How are you, really?
• How are you doing right now?
• What’s been on your mind lately?
• If you were being completely honest with me, how would you describe your feelings lately?
• What’s feeling good, and what’s feeling hard?
• What word would you use to describe your life right now?
• The last time we talked, you were dealing with [X problem]. How has that been lately?
• What question do you wish someone would ask right now?

Make Your Greeting Thoughtful

Whatever direction you take, the key is to be thoughtful with that opening question when you’re picking up the phone or meeting in person. What do you want to achieve with this conversation? Then think about the best way to get started.

And then work hard at eliminating the reflexive “How are you” and see if your conversations are a bit richer or rewarding. Or at the very least, take less time to get to something meaningful.

By the way, the dreaded corollary in writing, especially email, is starting with “I hope you are well.” My colleague Lauren Centrella will tackle that in a future blog post.

Coming up next in this series: Talking to Strangers a.k.a. Donors You Don’t Know Yet